by Steven J. Owens (unless otherwise attributed)
Let's start with a disclaimer, so some idiot doesn't read this and then do something stupid and tell his or her parents to sue me:
I am neither a lawyer, a doctor, a parental figure, or in any way, shape or form qualified to instruct young'un's about life and moral character. If you're looking here for moral guidance, you've come to the wrong place. The following is meant for competent adults to read to amuse themselves and fill an empty quarter-hour. Anybody taking medical advice from me should start by taking my advice to go have their head examined.
If you're under age, you shouldn't drink -- in fact you just turn right around and head back to disney.com, mister! (You shouldn't smoke, either - did you know that something like 95% of "new" smokers each generation start smoking as kids? In other words, once you grow up a little, you realize what a stupid hobby it is, so you don't start. Also, guess what - smoking before you're fully grown makes you shorter, dumbass!)
Now seriously, while I think underage drinking laws in my country are a little bit uptight and counter-productive (Europe has both a tradition of letting people drink at younger ages than the US, and a lower incident of underage alcohol abuse; coincidence?), as a good citizen I'm going to save my acts of civil disobedience for things that really matter, like wars and suspension of habeas corpus and illegal, warrantless wiretaps conducted on a vast scale by the NSA at the explicit order of the President.
Also, I'm not going to address emergency situations here - I'm not qualified, and neither are you. If you're worried that a friend may have over-consumed to the point of danger, then get them to an Emergency Room or other medical help or call 911, right fucking now. Believe me, how stupid you'll feel while talking to the ER doctor is nothing compared to how you'll feel when explaining what happened at you friend's funeral.
But, meanwhile, nobody tells young people the simple facts of life when it comes to recreational drug abuse (and yes, alcohol is a drug). This is not only stupid, it's dangerous - some fairly innocuous things turn out to be dangerouss, like: taking an acetaminophen pain reliever (like Tylenol(tm)) with alcohol can kill you. So here are some basics:
First, welcome to adulthood. Now you're legally allowed to do things that can maim or kill yourself and adults aren't obligated to stop you. So pay attention to what you're doing and don't assume; find out for yourself.
All of the following assumes that you're not as dumb as a rock and therefore you made sure you have somebody else to drive you home. I shouldn't have to actually say this, but hope springs eternal, and so does youthful stupidity, so: don't drink and drive.
The rules of thumb below are just that, rules of thumb. None of them are guaranteed to keep you out of trouble if you're determined to get yourself into it. Most of them (the consumption-oriented rules) are irrelevant if you're just having a beer at a picnic or something. And "having a beer at a picnic" doesn't mean a couple of six-packs. Pay attention. Keep track. Learn how your body reacts to alcohol. Act accordingly.
Here are a bunch of rules of thumb. I'll list them, then try to explain them:
Generally speaking, a single serving of beer (12oz), wine (6oz) or liquor (1.5oz) has the same amount of alcohol. This is important to remember - a drink is a drink is a drink - but that's not all there is to it. The volume difference and the mixers - especially sugary mixers - can have a real effect on your pacing; your pacing is what determines how much alcohol gets into your stomach, how fast, which determines how fucked up you get and how quickly you get there; and how fucked up you are determines how likely you are to fuck something up - usually starting with drinking even more when you should be slowing down.
Beware of front-loading, especially with sugary drinks, because they can be quite easy to chug, and the sugar can speed the alcohol into your digestive system. (Diet soda mixers, on the other hand, actually magnify the impact of alcohol, according to some for-real medical sites I've read).It's quite possible to suck down six Long Island Iced Teas, one after other, and get two blocks down the street before the darkness rises up and grabs you. Then you get to spend the next day listening to your friends say things like "I can't believe what you said to her last night!" and saying "What did I say? What?"
Don't try to "catch up", it's too easy to mis-gauge the front-loading, and that leads to un-fun situations.
Speaking of front-loading, this can be another variation on "don't drink and drive" - don't pound back a couple more shots and then hop in the car to race home before the alcohol takes effect. It's still stupid, and taking the chance of getting the timing wrong is just as illegal as being drunk when you get behind the wheel. You can get pulled over and arrested while still relatively sober, stuck in a jail cell and tested for blood alcohol level half an hour later, when the full force of those shots is in your veins, and you're still on the hook for DUI. The judge will not be amused.
Note: All Beers Are Not Created Equal. What I wrote above (a drink is a drink etc) is generally true, but these days there are a lot more microbrews on the market. Besides the fact that most of them taste better, some of them also have very high alcohol levels (for beer). While typical mainstream piss has 3% to 5% alcohol, a microbrew can have 9% or even higher. Use your brain.
The stronger alcohol is, the easier it is to fuck up on the amount of alcohol you're consuming.
Note: The rhyme makes it easier to remember, but "never fear" is always bullshit when it comes to drugs (yes, alcohol is a drug).
I've seen a few different articles where people claim it's the carbonation making the alcohol get absorbed faster, and other articles claiming there's no medical basis for this saying at all. The reality as far as I know is, it has nothing to do with physiology or biochemistry and everything to do with artificial stupidity.
See my comments on pacing, above; if you start off with beer and get drunk, now is not the time to switch gears to the trickier-to-regulate strong alcohol. Start playing with stronger booze, and by that time your discretion and judgement will be fucked, your rate of consumption will out of control, and before you know it you'll be puking your guts out.
Oh, and speaking of puking; puking is your body's way of letting you know you fucked up. If you feel a need to puke, then do it; your body needs to get rid of the alcohol before it hurts you worse. Yes, your friends will laugh at you. If you don't like that, don't fuck up next time.
If your friend starts puking, especially at the end of a long night of drinking, don't just point and laugh (though you should make sure to make fun of him for fucking up; just do it later, like the next time he heads out to do some drinking). Make sure he's okay; make sure he doesn't choke on his own vomit (you really don't want to be explaining this one at his funeral).
If you're feeling nice (or if you have to share a ride home with him or her) try to hold their hair out of the way while they're puking, and get them some water to rinse their mouth out, afterward.
This means "don't mix drinking wine (grape-derived) and drinking beer or whiskey (grain derived)." Mixing is generally considered to be a good way to make sure you'll be puking at some point later in the night. This is generally true - the more variety in what you drink in a given session, the more you're likely to run into problems. Brandy, for example, is fruit-based, but I'd lump it in with the "grape" category.
I'm not sure of the basis for this one; I can only assume it's either about the interactions of sugary fruit-based alcohols vs. non-sugary grain-based alcohols, or it may be that the different congeners and other contaminants (sulfites in wine, for example) interact to make the overall effect worse. Or maybe it's just that it makes it too hard to keep track and keep your consumption under control.
Remember what I said about congeners? They tend to be worse in cheaper booze, primarily because of the same reasons the booze is cheaper - cheaper ingredients, cheaper quality control in the production process which leads to more of the contaminants that lead to worse hangovers.
Also, older booze (if not stored properly) tends to oxidate and break down to produce extra acetaldehyde, one of the chief byproducts of your body's normal alcohol-metabolizing process, and also one of the causes of hangover effects.
This article gets into the chemistry pretty well:
http://weeklywire.com/ww/01-04-99/tw_chow.html
Do I really have to explain this?
There's an old joke "If the world is spinning and your palms and armpits are bleeding, you're not using twist-offs". Spins are a sign that you're definitely well-intoxicated.
Obviously at this point you don't need more alcohol; you may want to keep your current drink handy and pretend sip at it, just to keep somebody else from bringing you another drink.
At this point you might want to take a nap or (if you're home now) go to sleep. Don't. The world will keep spinning and you'll wake up (if you're lucky) in a pool of vomit. If you do find yourself drifting off, make sure you're not face-up, so at least you won't choke on your own vomit. You may want to drag a wastebasket over next to you, in case you wake up vomiting.
My personal rule of thumb is, if the world is spinning and I can't stop it without seriously concentrating, then it's not time to go to sleep yet. Stay up, drink water, eat bread, walk around to stay awake if necessary. Wait for the spins to die down.
Eating bread isn't going to actually "fix" the alcohol, but it will both give your stomach something to work on and help settle it down; if there's alcohol still in your stomach the bread will absorb the alcohol and slow down your digestion of the alcohol. This won't sober you up, it'll just stretch out the drunkeness over a longer period of time. Liquids (soup, water, etc) don't help much for this but they do help fight off dehydration, which is ongoing as your body tries to flush the poison (alcohol) out of your system.
If the world is spinning and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try, it's is a pretty good sign that I've been stupid. If you were that stupid, you may have been even stupider and front-loaded, so it may be a good idea to skip the bread for now and first try to vomit up any undigested alcohol that's still in your stomach.
Be careful with this, though, don't force yourself to vomit, apparently you can hurt yourself. You can also hurt yourself by forcing yourself not to vomit, by the by, so don't be so fucking macho. Besides, if your body wants to get rid of something that badly, maybe you should listen.
Alcohol can make you feel hot while you're actually chilled. You may sweat a lot (especially in the hangover phase). Don't throw off the covers, pile them on. If you let yourself get cold, it could make the symptoms worse or lead to other chill-related problems.
Here's a pretty cool site with info about drinking:
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2244.html
And here's one that gets pretty entertaining about hangover effects (my favorite is "...when [your brain] starts to shrink due to water loss, pain-sensitive filaments connecting the outside membranes to the inside of the skull become stretched..."):
http://www.ratebeer.com/Story.asp?StoryID=386
And of course, our old friend Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hangover
This one talks about a substance called cysteine:
http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/hangover/hangoverfull.html
So I did some googling on cysteine:
http://chemistry.about.com/cs/medical/tp/aatp122102a.htm
http://www.whatreallyworks.co.uk/start/factsheets.asp?article_ID=181
Obviously you have a designated driver. If you're lucky, he's got his shit together and will also act as zoo-keeper, keeping you and your friends from doing stupid things.
In general, if there's a problem situation - either you or somebody else - don't fuck around, get a sober person involved. You are, by definition, impaired, therefore your judgement is fucked, therefore get somebody whose judgement isn't fucked.
Besides, it'll sound better when the police arrive.
In general, mixing drugs is a stupid idea. Mixing prescription drugs and alcohol is stupid. Mixing illegal drugs and alcohol is stupid, hell, mixing Tylenol and alcohol is stupid (see below).
The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk, and that's probably just what you've done. You may also be sober but just on the cliff-edge of the hangover. Doing anything that affects the balance of hydration in your body - eating food, for example - may push you right over the edge into a killer hangover.
The best thing you can do at this point is get somebody to deliver you some takeout chinese food, rent some videos, drink a lot of water or gatorade (I recommend mixing half water and half gatorade) and expect to spend the next several hours on the couch in misery.
The active ingredient in Tylenol is acetaminophen. Taking acetaminophen and alcohol at the same time can kill you by destroying your liver. And that's if you're lucky. If not, it won't kill you, you'll just have to shit in a bag for the rest of your life.
Hell, do some googling on this and you'll come up with some really scary information. One site said it takes five days for alcohol to fully metabolize and leave the liver, and longer for acetaminophen. So avoid taking it even after you've sobered up.
Heading out to drink in a dehydrated state is a sure recipe for misery. Drink water. If you're out drinking and you're starting to feel dry-mouthed, drink more water. When you decide you've had enough alcohol, drink some more water. When you get home from drinking, drink even more water. Make sure you have water next to your bed for when you wake up (I like to keep a one-liter squeeze bottle by my bed in general, because I tend to wake up thirsty even when I haven't been drinking).
You can fall over into your bed, drunk, sleep for twelve hours and wake up exhausted. Sleep is complex and I won't go into what meager knowledge I have of it here, but just plan ahead.
Drinking a glass of milk or whatever other stupid ideas won't keep you from getting drunk, but it is definitely a good idea to start the night with some solid food. If you can't do that, then order some bar food while you're drinking. If you drink on an empty stomach the alcohol will rush straight to your bloodstream and you'll get seriously drunk - and likely you won't realize it's happening, so you'll keep drinking and get front-loaded.
Naturally I don't advocate illegal drug use, yadda yadda yadda.
But, in the eventuality that you're already drunk and somebody offers you a joint, give it a pass. Here's the thing... remember what I said about "spins" up above? Being stoned doesn't make the spins worse, it just makes you stop caring about them... and you'll be throwing up pretty soon after.
It doesn't make you more high, it just burns up your dope. In some rare cases high-test dope may make you higher, but believe me, you don't wanna go there unless you know what you're doing.
Let me put it this way... would you take a prescription drug because some random idiot suggested it? Whine all you want about the FDA keeping the secret cure for cancer off the market, but the simple fact of the matter is that we take the quality and reliability of our legal drugs for granted, thanks to the excellent job the FDA does. Make damn sure you know and trust the source -- both their integrity and their competence -- before putting a substance in your body.
This goes for a lot of other drugs too, of course. It's kind of mind-boggling that people even try heroin, or crack, etc, unless they're just flat out suicidal. My only guess is that it's sheer ignorance. Hence this article.
When somebody hands you something that has consequences - particularly if it's going to put you in a vulnerable state - think about why they're doing it.
To quote what a friend's mother told her in her early teens: "If older people want to give you drugs; think about why they aren't hanging out with people their own age..."
If you're the Designated Driver, my hat's off to you. Next time you're not driving, I'll buy you a drink. Here are a couple tips to make your life easier:
Just because you're sober and in control of your vehicle doesn't mean that other asshole is. So avoid the "rush hour" of drunks heading home at closing time. When exactly this is depends on where you live; when I was in college the law required bars to stop serving at 2am and clear the patrons out of the place by 2:30am. Most bars stopped serving at ten mintues till two. Some bars kicked everyone out promptly at 2am, others let people drag their feet till 2:30am.
So I made a habit of either getting on the road at 1:50am, or finding a way to kill time (all night diners are good for this) until around 3am, to avoid the bulk of drunks on the road.
In general, you're not just designated driver, you're also usually the zoo-keeper. Think of yourself as a combination of a sheepdog and a Secret Service agent. Your job is to both herd your collection of drunks and to keep an eye out for possible risks or obstacles.
Plan ahead; pick out a rally point where you'll all meet when it's time to leave, and pick a time to leave. When it's getting towards that time, start looking around and make sure everybody's more or less in sight
If you can, plan ahead and figure out who's best equipped to manage your other drunks and put them in charge. That usually means whoever's the best combination of least-drunk, and most-competent. If you have to, figure that out when it's time to head out.
Be extra attentive while driving. First, there may be drunks on the road, second, there's a tendency to be distracted by the drunks in your car. Be laid back; you don't want to work yourself into a frenzy and you don't want to get into the antics yourself.
Don't be shy about telling people to shut the fuck up if they're distracting you, particularly if they're drunk (subtle hints don't tend to work on fucked up people). Hopefully your drunk manager will take the hint and do any yelling necessary, leaving you free to concentrate on watching out for drunk drivers.
If you're at all uncertain about the drunkeness level of your riders, keep the windows rolled down during the ride. First, the fresh air may help them avoid losing it. Second, if they do lose it and can't manage to wait until you've pulled over, you want them to be able to just lean out the window and vomit. Washing puke off your car door is a lot better than washing it off your floors and seats.
If one of your riders has a problem, check for other vehicles and pedestrians first, then pull over as quickly-but-smoothly as you can, park the car and get the door open so they can lean over and vomit. If they have long hair, make sure somebody holds it out of the way, unless you feel like driving the rest of the way home with even more vomit smell in your car.
Some people are really obvious drunks, some people are sneaky drunks. I've had intelligent conversations with people I would swear are only mildly drunk, until I found out the next day they couldn't remember how their door key got snapped in two the night before.
So don't take it for granted that unslurred words and a steady gait means they're sober.
Also, be wary of riders who may be front-loaded - they may get out the door of the bar and into the car just fine, then lose it on the way home.